May 2011
1 post
War on Nomenclature
It has been on my mind lately, what with Osama bin Laden being killed and all, that maybe terrorism isn’t really what this is all about… When looking at the situation, from a purely subjective point of view, what really struck me as something of the utmost importance, were the names. The biggest, most prominent difference between us and them, what really separates us, are the...
February 2011
1 post
Extra Day Off: Monday vs. Wednesday
You know, no two consecutive days in a row would be nice, a little break in between. Much like snack time in elementary school, or recess. It would be nice to wake up in the middle of the week an not have to go in. Just one day off in the middle of the week. Almost redefines the word week, might even have to change it to we ek. But let’s be honest here, no one, and I mean no one, likes...
October 2010
4 posts
Halloween Survival Guide
1. Never open a glowing door.
2. Running never works- you will undoubtedly trip and the chaser will still catch you while walking.
3. Going upstairs never works- you will only trap yourself.
4. Do NOT lock the doors- you WILL lock the killer inside with you
5. If you get close enough, take off the mask- this won’t help you survive but it will answer some questions and possibly give you...
“Yeah, he went to Yahoo and I was like ‘OK… now go to...”
Screennames
When we talk about the internet, we tend to forget what really popularized it. Before the troublesome, extensive, profile rich communities of Facebook or MySpace. Before HotMail and IMDB and TextsFromLastNight and BarstoolSports. Before .com and .org and .net. Not Napster or LimeWire. Not porn, not email, not Google or Yahoo or MSN. But the one www that changed them all. The one URL that...
Oreoddiction
It starts out as harmless fun, casual, social. You have some with your friends, dip them in milk, lick the center, all fun and games. Then you get cravings, you can’t fight it, so you go get some more, enjoy with friends. Then comes the itch, the sweats. You search high and low, the cupboards, the dishwasher, a crumb, smeared creme filling, anything. Finally you cave, go out and buy them,...
September 2010
1 post
Making a Quick Buck...
The AccuWeather website lists a few of the days forecasts for this week as “Plenty of Sunshine”. Who are they to tell me what’s plenty? What if 70 and sunny isn’t enough? I’ve got Vitamin C depletion, facing death- irritability, weakness, myalgia at best, and they’re telling me it’s plenty? Lawsuit.
July 2010
1 post
“I love the word impromptu.”
May 2010
1 post
H, O & Y Grocers Job Opportunity
Location: New York City
Company: HOY Grocers
Title: Naked Grocer
Category: Crop, Growth, and Goods Selection
Job Requirements: Strip Shelves, Unwrap bags, Peel Fruit, Skin Vegetables
Shift: Late Night
Type: Full-Time
Compensation: Year supply of Nuts & Berries, up to $12/hour (after training), *tips acceptable
Physical Requirements: You will be constantly riding, carrying, twisting,...
April 2010
7 posts
“This is why you don’t smoke and eat… ya don’t stop, no matter...”
I just feel like those kids are gonna be waiting outside for me
Damn that marijuana flag...
damn i really get sucked in to tv when i play with kites
professa’s got some lightning thumbs
just saw a guy with a cannabis flag flying high outside the window
To All the Labatt Blue Lime Haters...s
You know, you should probably cut Labatts some slack… think about the economy today and their audience, it probably wasn’t a smart move among the loyalists but they gotta make money and to make money they gotta sell more beer. Sure they could have changed the name completely- maybe change it to “LabLime” or something silly, but no. They wanted the authenticity of the name...
March 2010
6 posts
Letter to a Friend
what up mOB dick? it’s been a while, pretty sure the last i heard you were out in the open waters trying to hide from captain ahab… look out for those spears they’re dangerous, (not britney, i hear she’s harmless) anyway, be careful out there in that vast ocean, i hear ahab’s on a mission and he’s not likely to be deterred. swim carefully and keep your eyes...
Out. Rage. Ous. "Types of Bitches" Found on a 3rd... →
“two words: stir, crazy. two shows: modern family, american idol. 2 things i...”
a random subway exchange...
you guys wearing those yellow sweat suits for West Virginia?
Yeah, these are our brothers... and our boyfriends...
“if the air were a person, it’d have a black eye.”
– ah, the fist pump.
“hey, let’s just take a picture of a pair of boobs and say we...”
February 2010
8 posts
Obitchuary
Sheila “The Professa” Catanzarita
New York, NY
Sheila Catanzarita, a proud Snuggie owner and ironically a resident of the well known Heaven, has died. She was 22.
Catanzarita, a spokeswoman for Mexican children, died this Saturday night at a friend’s apartment, February 6, 2010, due to suspiscious causes completely and entirely unknown (though many sources speculate that it...
My Drunken Text Conversation:
FRIEND: We're at antarctica, spring and hudson
ME: haha antarctica? really? ya goin to the ends of the earth?
Null and Void.
I was talking to someone the other day about conversation monopolizers and how no matter the conversation, not matter the topic or audience, they are always in control and always need their opinion to be heard. We were trying to think of ways to regain control or at least have enough of a voice to pipe up and be heard. We couldn’t come up with anything solid so we decided to think on it....
“If life was my friend, it’d be the funniest thing I knew.”
– Prof.
Ode to Curly Bangs
Oh those curly bangs that hang with no purpose Stick in your eyes like on a clown in the circus Crazy little tendrils you just want to chop But can’t cause you rock them harder than Sebastian Bach Usually red but sometimes brown or blonde Flapping in your face like an Egyptian with a frond Feeding you grapes, such a delicious treat Just don’t let them grow all the way down to your...
Ode to Professa about Leaving Work
sheila, sheila it’s been too long instead of a poem i should write you a song but tunes and beats are not my thing and you’d die from my voice should i try and sing but seriously dear the time must come for me to leave fred’s and the night to be done to crawl into my bed at long last is all i want and i want it fast! who is OB… we are no longer friends our interweb relaysh...
Ode to Friday
Monday, Monday you’re no fun
You could really kill someone.
With your boring, stupid ways
Feels like walking in a daze.
Skip to Friday for some fun,
A celebration, done, done, and done.
Oh dear Monday thee I do hate,
But I guess for Friday I’ll just have to wait.
January 2010
7 posts
A Letter to a New Found Interweb Friend
Dearest OB Wan Kenobi, I haven’t seen you around today otherwise I would have formally over AIM told you that I found your light saber. You gotta be more careful with these things, it gets in the wrong hands and someone loses a… hand. Anyway, I guess it doesn’t really matter because I know where you live and I could easily take the ferry to your house but to be honest…...
Sunday State of Mind: Jumping the Gun
As is pretty standard for a Sunday night, my fella Professa and myself were in a particular state of mind. It seemed that it was the perfect night and the perfect time to revisit our Sunday Sesh. As is the case, especially with this new batch, we got pretty chatty. I had just met a boy that night and the Professa is preparing to dig her way to visit one in China so we got to talkin about the...
A Facebook Post to a Friend Going to China...
hey sheila, just wanted to wish you luck digging your way to china… let me know if your arms get sore and you need someone to take over for a few digs. i put a few extra shovels in your bag, just in case one breaks- i’m imagining it’s going to take quite a few shovels… oh and i also packed gardening gloves and an inflammabal, unburnable suit for when you get to the...
I'm baking muffins asbestos I can! →
December 2009
15 posts
Sunday State of Mind: A Christmas Office...
When tokin the ticks one fine pre-Christmas day, my roommates and I got to chattin… Considering this was only the first for some and the second for others, we had no idea what to do about Office Christmas presents. What do you get? If you get a gift card how much is too much, what’s the right amount, and to where? What is appropriate? I mean, it’s pretty obvious that lingerie is...
“Well I’m gonna charge her for living… because we taught her...”
– Professa…
A New Years Email to a Group of Boys I've Never...
Hey Kids- I’m lookin for a midnight kiss… Bringin my own mistletoe even though it’s after Christmas just so I can use some good ol tomfoolery to trick someone into it! Get ready for a bomb ass night. 29 peeps 1 city, NYC get ready, balls about to drop.
“Don’t give to the UHO… it’s equal to finding out Santa...”
SISTER BUDDHA- Hey, can I have some of this orange soda we brought?
PROFESSA- That's like asking to put on the New Year's cap!
Sheila's Shitstorm
“OK, tomorrow after work I’m gonna get shit, Kinney’s gonna get shit, you guys are gonna get shit, then we’ll take a shit then do shit. Then we’ll come back to this shit, eat shit, drink shit, and smoke shit.”
Happy Holidaze from HeavenOnYork
Twas the Night before the weekend and all through Heaven on York Every creature was stirring their mixed drinks with a fork The girls were all sitting round the family room chair In hopes of having fun, one even curled her hair. The drinks were nestled all snug in our hands With visions of the night as we all made our plans Sheila in her bow, I in my tiny dress All getting ready to turn...
“soooo i had to lift like ten thousand boxes and when my arms got tired i had to...”
– I think I outworked you today…
elephants
Professa: You know how I get! I can't smoke the elephant!
Me: Why? Because there's an elephant in the room?
“ladies and gentlemen: although it is an awful, cold, blistery, long ass typical...”
– the Professa calling out good ‘ol Bernice…